Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
