U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I am midnight drunk by noon
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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