My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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