he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
