you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
