he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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