i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
