some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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