dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
