my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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