Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
