i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
