it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Randomize
