You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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