What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
