I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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