I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
