a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
