Your face is a jimmy john
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
