i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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