Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
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He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
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you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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