I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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