If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
