My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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