highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
