I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
