Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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