im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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