You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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