Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
