ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
