The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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