i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
