I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I would fuck him just for his dog
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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