did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
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I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
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i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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