Taylor Swift is so right about you.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
