If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
