Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
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you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
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Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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