how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
