On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
