saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
