I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
