I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
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I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
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It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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