We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
