he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
