my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
