Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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