i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
