Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
