Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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