trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
