I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
