it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
