he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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